Employer Lingo

“Competitive salary:” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“Join our fast-paced company:” We have no time to train you;

“Casual work atmosphere:” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Mmust be deadline oriented:” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Sone overtime required:” Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“Duties will vary:” Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail:” We have no quality control.

“Career-minded:” Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person:” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“No phone calls please:” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience:” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“Problem-solving skills a must:” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills:” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills:” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee Lingo

“I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:” I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’m honest, hard-working and dependable:” I pilfer office supplies.

“My pertinent work experience includes:” I hope you don’t ask me all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I take pride in my work:” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’m personable:” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I’m extremely professional:” I carry a Day-Timer.

“I am adaptable:” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I am on the go:” I’m never at my desk.

“I’m highly motivated to succeed:” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.