Traveling abroad can be a wonderful experience, but it’s even better when you’re prepared. Here are some tips to help make your next trip a safe and enjoyable one:

Get foreign TV schedules in advance to decide exactly what shows you want to watch.

Always bellow, “I’m an American, you filthy foreign barbarians!” to ensure top-quality service while abroad.

If you bend over to close your suitcase and hear a “Zwip! Thump!” sound, then discover a knife wobbling in the wall behind you, it could mean you’ve unintentionally become entangled in a web of international espionage and intrigue.

Carrying cash is unwise when traveling abroad; be sure to purchase plenty of McDonald’s gift certificates before you leave.

Before leaving home, take your pets to local humane society and have them put to sleep; get new pets when you come back.

Many people in foreign countries do not speak English; you may need to speak louder and/or slower in order to make yourself understood.

When traveling through Europe, remind everyone you encounter that, if not for America, they would all be speaking German. (Note: Does not work in Germany.)

Do not treat foreign waiters with the slightest shred of human dignity; a friendly attitude will only earn their disrespect.

If you see Karl Malden ominously narrating before a camera while you are checking into a hotel, keep an extra-close eye on your credit cards; a commercial may be being filmed with you as the subject/victim.

When in Great Britain, remember to follow local customs and eat with a pair of tweezers.