For everyone out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
That’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and its nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and its her father (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Porsche (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called DeathCop3 (-3)
You lied, said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say: “I don’t give a care because you’ve got one too” (-800)

THE BIG QUESTION – She asks, “Do I look fat?”

You say ‘of course not’ without even looking (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep (-20)