True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

The police show up and ask to see him, and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing the car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: The police car, lights still flashing.

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A woman was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, “I bet you’re going to try to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.”

He replied, “No, Ma’am, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.