I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at Heart. Slightly older in other places.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can’t get his pants off!

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful, or should that be I’m strange and you’re wonderful?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts.

Does “anal retentive” have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise; jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never tell everything you know.

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.