Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE –
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION –
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL –
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC –
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT –
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY –
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS –
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM –
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA –
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER –
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS –
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY –
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE –
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION –
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY –
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

THANKS, MOM!