Hickphonics
Wednesday, April 08th, 1998 | Author:

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in with the “Gummit” by labeling Black slang as a language, “Ebonics,” has decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this would be a Hickophone. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.”

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – noun. The state just west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – verb. Ability to cognitively process.

BARE – noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor. Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted. Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

FAT – noun, verb. 1. A battle or combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’all.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – Noun and verb contraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.”

SEED – verb, past tense.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action. Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor? Go bah me that Linnerd Skinnerd tape.”

GUMMIT – Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

Category: North vs. South