Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
–George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
–Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
–Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
–Sue Kolinsky
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
–Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
–Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
–Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
–Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
–Roger Simon
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
–Dave Edison
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
–George Gobel
Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
–Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
–Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
–A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry
Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.
— Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
–Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
–A. Whitney Brown
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.
–Jim Carrey
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”
–Paula Poundstone
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
–Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
–Sue Murphy
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
–Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
–Rita Rudner
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
–Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
–Lynda Montgomery
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
–Marilyn Pittman
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
–Lily Tomlin
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
–Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
–Jerry Seinfeld
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’
–Richard Jeni
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
–Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
–Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
–Billy Crystal
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”
–Larry Miller
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: “I’m cheap!”
–Delta Burke
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
–Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
–Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
–Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?
–Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
–Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
–Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
–Phyllis Diller
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
–Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
–Elayne Boosler
The post office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semi-automatics to Uzi’s.
–Conan O’Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
–Tim Allen
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
–Jerry Seinfield
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
–Tim Allen
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, “The check’s in the mail,” people are going to say, “Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn’t find the remote.”
–Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
–Joan Rivers
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers!
–Jay Leno
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
–Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code, he turned himself in.
–Rita Rudner
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
–George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
–Bill Cosby
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
–Steven Wright
After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” and she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”
–Gary Shandling
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
–Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
–Jeff Foxworthy